Well HELLO internet–been awhile. The Spiritual Mamas are still here, recording and texting and doing all things creative. I’ve had some dark days over here, but now that I’ve seen a hint of the light, it’s time to tell you a bit about what’s gone down. I’ve written before about mom getting sick, and the impact that had on my spirituality. She passed this year and it’s been a roller coaster since, and not in the ways I expected. So here are a few highlights of what I experienced after her death.
Your Faith Falls Apart
I was so, so sure about what I believed before my mother died. I was church-going, bible-reading, and evangelical-proud. But in the days after my mother’s death, something strange happened. All of it began to feel really silly. Not just silly, but empty. This horrified me initially and I felt almost guilty for turning my back on all the assurances my faith had given me. But I just couldn’t reconcile my faith with what I was feeling, and I simply didn’t believe the things that I used to before. Hence the next phase.
I felt very far away from myself. Almost like my soul was somewhere else. At the point of her death, I realized that things needed to change. I needed to bring myself back fully and completely. I had to confront the things I was pushing to the side and be honest with myself. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. Eventually, my body caught up to the way you have been living and it wasn’t pretty. My health crisis and subsequent recovery was long, painful, and arduous. Even typing those words doesn’t do it justice. But God never leaves you in the valley…
What I’ve Learned:
-I am not by beliefs, I’m not even my body.
-This moment is an instant, a flash of vapor. We are living in the middle of nowhere in a seed, a TINY seed of an infinite universe.
-So because of the above, relax.
-I’d rather live a sometimes painful, honest life than a minute living a lie. I can’t do it anymore. My body won’t let me, and neither will my spirit.
-If you want to get somewhere, start acting like you live there. There is so much truth to this that it shocks me.
-At the same time, if you are overwhelmed, it’s easier to just let the feeling be there than to push and “hack” your way against it. This is what is meant by “going with the flow.” It doesn’t mean “let everything go.” It just means flow with the current, respect the nature of energy coursing around you. It doesn’t work for or against you. It just is. I’d rather be bobbing up near the surface that thrown around in the undertoe.
-The fun begins when your faith disappears. You get to find out what YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE. This is so groundbreaking to me, after years and years of religious instruction. What did I believe without any instruction? What I found gives me more peace of mind than mindless platitudes I used to spout. They felt meaningless because they were. Now I live my own truth.
-I still really, really love Jesus. But not in the way I used to. I love him absent (in spite of?) religion, I love him absent space and time. He is very, very special to me but not in the way he used to be. He lived as a human, AND as the Godhead. We are just like him. This is amazing.
This is the Good News
When life throws you one of those disasters, one of those 5, or 10 or 20 year periods of unrest, of illness, of violence, shame, guilt, joblessness, do not despair. IT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE. To learn and grow and come out the other side and say, “Wow, that was one wild ride. But I’m ok. I’m better than ok.” Because once you feel this sense of peace, you get what Jesus was talking about. You understand why nothing “bad” can happen to you. You can begin to live “lightly and freely” just as he said. It’s addictive, it’s wonderful. It’s so much better than anything I’ve experienced before. This is truly the good news, this is what everyone has been talking about. I get it now.
You aren’t there yet? It’s ok, because that’s the thing about life, it will show you what your lessons are. They will be different than my own, and that’s intentional. We aren’t here to suffer, we are here to love. It is that love that will get us through any pain we experience. God sends people because we are part of God. We are all connected. Enjoy this gift, it is meant for us.